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40 | Kathryn Gahl

 

· POEM PRIZE

The day after I visit my daughter in prison

I think of how she is not allowed to handle money

not even go near the vending machines

in the visiting room so it is up to me to scan

the glass boxes, memorize, and

walk back to her to

ask what she wants — pizza or fries — for

there is no fruit amidst Cheetos and Skittles

and I think of fruit, of watching her Papa

put a banana peel in the silverware drawer

when I went to be with him in his last days

at which time he tucked in the banana

with such finesse

before taking off all his clothes

and attempting to button an invisible shirt

around his swollen cancerous belly

It was then he turned to me

lips in a full smile, saying

   I’d like to do it again

   only next time

   I’d like to do it better.

In the decade since he died, I think about It

an elusive pronoun that can function by itself or

partake in discourse: was his It my It? Does it matter as

   the past becomes the present

   and tomorrow twists memories

   of windsong and longing

   of the whisper paint made

   when it touched his canvas

   and stayed, of

   Beethoven’s Triple Concerto

   washing the walls in a Greenwich Village loft

   where I peeled not pages

in a thesaurus, where I measured not words but flour,

where I fed not my soul but his as I sprinkled

   powdered sugar on homemade crepes suzette

Would I do any of it again?

Only if I were crazy

Kathryn Gahl

Kathryn Gahl writes poetry, fiction, and nonfiction. “40” is from her memoir in verse, DANCE WHEN YOU CAN’T. Her works appear in over forty journals. A finalist at Glimmer Train and Wisconsin People & Ideas, she believes in the transcendent power of dark chocolate, deep sleep, and red lipstick.

JANUARY 7, 2019 / MUSEPAPER POEM PRIZE #24 / REGRETS & RESOLUTIONS

 

 

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